the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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