remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
