Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
