In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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