i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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