Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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