Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
