The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
