I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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