Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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