"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
