Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
