I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
