he puts the penis in happiness.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
