ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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