I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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