I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
