barbara walters just said penis...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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