It's like God shit irony all over that family
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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