Your dad touched me again.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
