dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
