Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
