Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
