I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
