he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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