if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
