If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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