I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
