I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
