I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
