I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
