how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
