and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
