It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
