So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize