They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
