This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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