Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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