We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
