He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
