awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
