You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
