These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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