Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
