I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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