They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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