Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
