Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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