Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
