Just cropdusted the office
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
