Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You're like the curious george of whores
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
