remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
sarcasm needs its own font
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
