my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The uberlube is also flammable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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