why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
