Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
