when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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