You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
