I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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